Tuesday, December 23, 2014

1 Month Into Traveling in Thailand - A Rollercoaster of Emotions



I was planning to blog so much more, and I even have a couple of posts from Bangkok and Chiang Mai describing shit I done and felt, but it just wasn't something I felt right about publishing.
Even the food pics I take here I feel that by posting them I let off the wrong impression of thailand as the fruits in israel taste so much better. And moreover, I didn't feel like writing anything or be involved with anything online cause to be frank? I felt like shit more than half the time. I was planning to vlog as well, most of the time at least, and I didn't have the energy to do so. That made me feel disappointed in myself. I came here to thailand to explore and a big part of my plan was to get my youtube and blog into a more settled routine. That did not happen and when I noticed I was beating myself up for not doing so, it made me feel worse. So I just accepted that fact and went on.
 
I wanna start in bangkok but lets just go backwards from now. I am now in Pai. Sitting in the kitchen of my guesthouse. A kinda hippie and indian vibe is going around me, and I don't really connect to it, but I feel that that's much better than feeling unrelated to a bunch of seriously happy people being excited about every thing that goes around them and just seek approval from others while not approving of anyone themselves. So even though I don't smoke or drink I actually feel more connected to the people here. I got here 2 days ago, after 2 weeks in Chiang Mai. 


 
The ride to Pai was horrible. No other way too put it. Its the most curviest rode I've ever witnessed and it took 4 fucking hours. I was mainly afraid of the motion sickness people claim to have on the way here, as you know I have a massive fear of vomiting, and I was delaying going to Pai for that reason only. I was scared I would feel bad during the ride and of course from others feeling bad during the ride. I decided to come here quite spontaneously after debating going to Koh Pangan in the most expensive time of the year. When the taxi arrived to pick me up I immediately knew I'm gonna have problems with the Chinese girl that was already in the cab. She looked in so much pain, I knew shes gonna get carsick. I was constantly looking out for her, if anything happens or if she feels worse, and it happened quite fast.

She vomited into a bag not even halfway, and I was panicking. The fact that I couldn't run away from this thing happening in front of me was excruciating. I was trying to relax and tell myself that this is not about me, it cannot hurt me, and that I am perfectly fine. I gave her an anti vomiting pill, and by the second time she threw up I was almost ok with it, mainly because it was outside the van, and because I accepted the fact  that I'm panicking and that that's ok. Generally, just accepting whatever is going on around me makes things a lot easier. But that very hard to do when you're a control freak. 

So we made it to Pai alive and I found this nice guesthouse, I rented a bungalow, and went to explore around a bit. Pai is beautiful. as all of Thailand, the nature here is overwhelming, and all that shit, but to be frank, I felt so depressed yesterday, I was seriously lying in bed for several hours, not wanting to get up at all. It really came down to the fact that I realized I was not gonna be happy anywhere unless I am genuinely happy within myself.

 

Cause I kept on going from place to place, thinking that the problem was in the place and not with me, maybe it was just the heat in Bangkok, or the shitty fruits, or the fact  that I was sick, or staying too long in Chiang Mai, or maybe I just need to go to Taiwan and everything will be better than. But thats all a bunch of bullshit isn't it? but its very hard to grasp when you're feeling like hell and feeling that amazing gap between what you thought will be and facing reality is much different.

Being a borderline personality I usually suffer from big expectations that lead to a huge disappointment when those aren't met. And when you travel, everything is so much more intense. Senses are heightened, everything is in large scale. when you feel bad its terrible and when you feel good its fucking amazing. I think that it all went downhill since Bangkok. 

2 major things happened. I was sick, and I was sticking to one person for too long. It made me feel out of control and unable to take care of myself. I was literally shitting myself all day and I was miserable. At the same time I was spending too much time with the same person, and I just needed some time for myself to recuperate and get my shit together. Literally. When I separated from the dude I felt better but then I was still sick and I couldn't get over it, nothing I did made it better and I was trying to have fun anyway, do stuff and explore but in the end I was miserable. 

On my last day in bkk I was so depressed I was just lying on my couchsurfing hosts carpet and just crying and cursing Thailand and just wishing things were different. It was a mixture of things. My sick stomach, a sting I got from an unknown something that made me freak, and getting electrocuted. That minute I decided on taking a night bus to chiang mai. As if the problem was with bangkok....


 
When I got to chiang mai I felt like I was home. Trees, great weather, I could actually see the sun, less pollution, and much more fruits. But then I had a coconut at a restaurant, and the waitress started throwing up in the kitchen. The despair I felt was incredible. It just blew up my illusion that it was location dependent. I was exhausted from panicking, cause needless to say my panic attacks sky rocketed since I started traveling., so I just accepted my fate, and went to sleep it off. After a night in the crazy night bus it was certainly needed. 

In Chiang Mai I did some couchsurfing at a nice expat from Ireland, and then I slept a Joe's from best transformation big fruity house for a few days. It was a nice experience living with so many fruit bats, but I was thinking about renting a place there until the fruit winter festival, and just the thought of staying in one place for so long made me so depressed I couldn't function.

 

Since then I switched a couple of places, got tired from Chiang Mai and then fell in-love with it all over again, and decided on going to Pai. Even though I'm still not my best physically and mentally, I accept it completely and I am trying my best to be on the move, take care of myself and trust my instincts. I am very proud of myself and my decisions and I will continue to do my own thing :)

Peace
Henya











 

Friday, December 12, 2014

What's in my minimalist backpack, what to bring to a flight as a hclf vegan and more

Hello Maniacs!

Here are a few videos I did on what I'm taking with me as a minimalist for a long term travel experience in asia!
I made a review of my backpack - The Osprey Tempest 40, and showed everything I packed with me here.


In this other video I show you a more detailed version of what's in my minimalist backpack.







Also for us HCLF, raw till 4 vegans I made a video of what to bring to a long flight to not end up starving in a metal box flying in the air in between countries.



so make sure you watch the videos and I'll be coming up with new videos asap.
Peace,
Henya

Friday, November 21, 2014

Important Life Lesson I Learned From A Trip To The Dentist

trying to smile with anesthesia :)
Hey Maniacs!

Only three days to my flight to Thailand and i had to take an unexpected and expensive trip to the dentist yesterday. 2 years ago I had a filling break on my salad and I wasn't keen on going to the dentist at all. in general I hate doctors and i think that the modern medicine is lacking through and through. I despise the feeling of helplessness I get when I'm in pain or sick and especially I hate when I supposedly don't have the knowledge to heal it, and someone else holds it for me and tells me what to do, as if we're not talking about MY body and MY aches.


I had plenty of times in which I took the courage to head over to a doctor, and got a real bad treatment that usually made me more sick or sick in a different way [for example, the endless cycle of antibiotics - candida], accompanied by a really disgusting approach that the doctor treats me as a straight up idiot who cant fend for herself and they obviously know everything about me and my body. 

With the dentist it's a whole other story. not only the dentist sucks big time and cant get a friggin filling to last for two weeks, but the whole procedure is horrible. having someone stick his stinking gloved hands in my mouth makes me feel completely out of control, and my emetophobia [fear of vomiting] also relates to that feeling [as to everything really]. And if that's not enough, I've had dental issues since birth, because my mother had to take some kind of medicine before my birth and it literally messed up my face. the most recurring response I get on my youtube channel is about my teeth, and it was always like that in school when other kids would make fun of my teeth. having my teeth completely fixed was too expensive for my family and i learned to accept that these are my teeth, and that's how its gonna be. But even now I don't smile with teeth when taking pictures.

Somehow over the years  even developed a specific teeth phobia, not dentist phobia, but the fear and extreme aversion  from teeth and everything related. I got to a point where i wasn't able to watch those toothpaste commercial on tv and youtube. the actual thought of teeth and dental procedures was immensely distressing for me.

A few days ago I was enjoying a guava fruit when a damn seed got stuck in my broken filling-cavity thing going around my mouth somewhere, and it took me forever to get it out. in the meanwhile, the seed made my cavity even bigger and got my remaining amalgam filling to drift from my tooth. 
Being a hypochondriac, I started investigating about amalgam filling and started asking in fb groups about doctors who take out amalgam filling in a safe way, cause they contain mercury which is a seriously dangerous metal that definitely shouldn't be in our mouth and  needs to be taken out in a way that we don't absorb and breath it and get cancer and shit.

So after crying a few hours for feeling helpless from the fact that someone else holds the key to my health, and from knowing that i'll have to let someone touch my mouth and drill my skull, I decided to relax the fuck up and just accept it. from the second I had my resolution on, I stopped crying and I somehow detached myself from the person I was imagining having  a dentist appointment the next day. 

Now I'm not saying dissociation is the way to go, I am way too unattached to my overall being and I don't recommend my way of handling things, but this dental experience was different from other experiences I had. I didn't really feel any fear when I first entered the dentists room, I mean, I was scared, but not anxious. does thas make sense? Anyway, the dentist and assistance were so freaking nice! it shocked me even. I was crying and a bit hysteric at first but they really went through everything they did and I felt like I gained my control back. They even played a daddy yankee video for me on to help me feel more comfortable and relaxed. 

I had 2 amalgam fillings replaces to white ones, and I felt so brave and empowered from going through with that, that I went back after a few hours and got another filling done on the other side. 

I am so so so proud of myself for going through with this, and taking care of my body. I'm very happy I don't have mercury in my body anymore and that my teeth condition is good in general. even though i eat 90% carbs haha! but seriously, taking care of ourselves and our bodies is so important! we don't have any other home to live in! and  even though its temporarily,  its our only place and the only thing we truly own. I definitely rather pay more for a better dental experience with a private doctor and not having a disastrous metal in my mouth.



I  must say, that I don't how I will react if I'll need to go to the dentist again, and I don't think that just deciding to relx and go on with things will cure your phobia or whatever, but it's definitely good to face it. I had other fears like water and vomiting and I did actually try to face them head on, but it still didn't work. even after vomiting and after trying to swim for the first time, I'm still very very afraid of it. nevertheless I'm really happy I could have an experience of coping with a fear and getting through with it like a normal person, and not like it was for me with other fears, that weren't getting the reaction I wanted when facing them. Kind of gave me hope that one day I could get rid of all my phobias. No matter what, I'm gonna fight for my right to live a fearless life.

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