I was planning to blog so much more, and I even have a couple of posts from Bangkok and Chiang Mai describing shit I done and felt, but it just wasn't something I felt right about publishing.
Even the food pics I take here I feel that by posting them I let off the wrong impression of thailand as the fruits in israel taste so much better. And moreover, I didn't feel like writing anything or be involved with anything online cause to be frank? I felt like shit more than half the time. I was planning to vlog as well, most of the time at least, and I didn't have the energy to do so. That made me feel disappointed in myself. I came here to thailand to explore and a big part of my plan was to get my youtube and blog into a more settled routine. That did not happen and when I noticed I was beating myself up for not doing so, it made me feel worse. So I just accepted that fact and went on.
I wanna start in bangkok but lets just go backwards from now. I am now in Pai. Sitting in the kitchen of my guesthouse. A kinda hippie and indian vibe is going around me, and I don't really connect to it, but I feel that that's much better than feeling unrelated to a bunch of seriously happy people being excited about every thing that goes around them and just seek approval from others while not approving of anyone themselves. So even though I don't smoke or drink I actually feel more connected to the people here. I got here 2 days ago, after 2 weeks in Chiang Mai.
The ride to Pai was horrible. No other way too put it. Its the most curviest rode I've ever witnessed and it took 4 fucking hours. I was mainly afraid of the motion sickness people claim to have on the way here, as you know I have a massive fear of vomiting, and I was delaying going to Pai for that reason only. I was scared I would feel bad during the ride and of course from others feeling bad during the ride. I decided to come here quite spontaneously after debating going to Koh Pangan in the most expensive time of the year. When the taxi arrived to pick me up I immediately knew I'm gonna have problems with the Chinese girl that was already in the cab. She looked in so much pain, I knew shes gonna get carsick. I was constantly looking out for her, if anything happens or if she feels worse, and it happened quite fast.
She vomited into a bag not even halfway, and I was panicking. The fact that I couldn't run away from this thing happening in front of me was excruciating. I was trying to relax and tell myself that this is not about me, it cannot hurt me, and that I am perfectly fine. I gave her an anti vomiting pill, and by the second time she threw up I was almost ok with it, mainly because it was outside the van, and because I accepted the fact that I'm panicking and that that's ok. Generally, just accepting whatever is going on around me makes things a lot easier. But that very hard to do when you're a control freak.
So we made it to Pai alive and I found this nice guesthouse, I rented a bungalow, and went to explore around a bit. Pai is beautiful. as all of Thailand, the nature here is overwhelming, and all that shit, but to be frank, I felt so depressed yesterday, I was seriously lying in bed for several hours, not wanting to get up at all. It really came down to the fact that I realized I was not gonna be happy anywhere unless I am genuinely happy within myself.
Cause I kept on going from place to place, thinking that the problem was in the place and not with me, maybe it was just the heat in Bangkok, or the shitty fruits, or the fact that I was sick, or staying too long in Chiang Mai, or maybe I just need to go to Taiwan and everything will be better than. But thats all a bunch of bullshit isn't it? but its very hard to grasp when you're feeling like hell and feeling that amazing gap between what you thought will be and facing reality is much different.
Being a borderline personality I usually suffer from big expectations that lead to a huge disappointment when those aren't met. And when you travel, everything is so much more intense. Senses are heightened, everything is in large scale. when you feel bad its terrible and when you feel good its fucking amazing. I think that it all went downhill since Bangkok.
2 major things happened. I was sick, and I was sticking to one person for too long. It made me feel out of control and unable to take care of myself. I was literally shitting myself all day and I was miserable. At the same time I was spending too much time with the same person, and I just needed some time for myself to recuperate and get my shit together. Literally. When I separated from the dude I felt better but then I was still sick and I couldn't get over it, nothing I did made it better and I was trying to have fun anyway, do stuff and explore but in the end I was miserable.
On my last day in bkk I was so depressed I was just lying on my couchsurfing hosts carpet and just crying and cursing Thailand and just wishing things were different. It was a mixture of things. My sick stomach, a sting I got from an unknown something that made me freak, and getting electrocuted. That minute I decided on taking a night bus to chiang mai. As if the problem was with bangkok....
When I got to chiang mai I felt like I was home. Trees, great weather, I could actually see the sun, less pollution, and much more fruits. But then I had a coconut at a restaurant, and the waitress started throwing up in the kitchen. The despair I felt was incredible. It just blew up my illusion that it was location dependent. I was exhausted from panicking, cause needless to say my panic attacks sky rocketed since I started traveling., so I just accepted my fate, and went to sleep it off. After a night in the crazy night bus it was certainly needed.
In Chiang Mai I did some couchsurfing at a nice expat from Ireland, and then I slept a Joe's from best transformation big fruity house for a few days. It was a nice experience living with so many fruit bats, but I was thinking about renting a place there until the fruit winter festival, and just the thought of staying in one place for so long made me so depressed I couldn't function.
Since then I switched a couple of places, got tired from Chiang Mai and then fell in-love with it all over again, and decided on going to Pai. Even though I'm still not my best physically and mentally, I accept it completely and I am trying my best to be on the move, take care of myself and trust my instincts. I am very proud of myself and my decisions and I will continue to do my own thing :)